Twelve years ago today, we were getting ready to switch gears from one life chapter to another.
We were getting ready to say goodbye, in the official, earthly sense, to our baby, Jeffrey.
We were getting ready to endure an excruciatingly long 12 minutes of listening to words about something (I was too busy sobbing to hear) and staring at the tiny white casket that held our baby’s body - the one ravaged by
SMA.
The tiny white casket, surrounded by pictures of our beaming angel in the midst of sympathy teddy bears and flowers.
The tiny white casket.
Twelve years ago, the tears flowed from incredulousness, numbness, and shock.
Twelve years later, the tears flow, mostly because while we can’t see Jeffrey, it’s so obvious to me he’s around.
And knowing he could not be in a better place is a relief. Still. After 12 years.
There is no category of life assignments lower than Loss of a Child, but in the scheme of things within that category, we were truly blessed. We had 8 weeks with Jeffrey before we knew something was wrong, he wasn’t in pain, he was happy, and the morphine helped ease his respiratory distress at the end.
We also had time to prepare.
Still... the image of the tiny white casket remains vivid and too much to think about. So I don’t... except for a few fleeting thoughts on this day.
Because if I can’t have Jeffrey with me in the physical sense, I much prefer the
hawk.
Or the angel intervention as it came this afternoon, twelve years after our baby’s body was gently placed in his resting spot on our mountain.
I have been whining about the roadblocks in the
book revision process for what seems like a year (maybe longer to you!). From the computer crash to the printer woes, from problems with the document program to the proof, it’s been a heckuva challenge in many ways.
This afternoon, frustrated that I couldn’t get what I wanted (primarily, clean illustrations), I decided to send the trouble spots to a
Mac person at the printer’s in town when an idea hit out of the blue...
skies, that is.
I decided to send one page with an illustration that was fine on my end and ‘dirty’ on my rep’s end (and, no, that doesn’t sound good) in a few different ways in hopes that at least ONE way would show up clean for him.
After talking to me several times already today and seeing the downward spiral of my relatively normal rational behavior, he seemed only a bit wary when I called to explain ‘my’ brilliant plan and agreed to check it out as soon as they arrived.
ONE worked.
It was the .pdf version from Postscript, something I wasn’t familiar with and just ‘happened’ to notice.
Thanks to angel intervention, the new revision - with clean illustrations - is back in
Trafford’s hands.
And my tears are now those of relief and gratitude.
For angel intervention.
And for the knowledge that Jeffrey is still happy to hang with his mama.
Lucy
Dear Heavenly Father,
In the springtime, when life always seems so hopeful with abundant rejuvenation, You graciously gave our family a priceless gift. We named him Jeffrey and loved him more than we thought possible. We knew he was special from the beginning, and yet in time You showed us that he was even more special than we imagined. Our love for him intensified and began spilling over into increased love and appreciation for others and for You.
In the fall, when Your brilliant colors and crystal skies defy description, we gave Your gift back to you; not because we wanted to part with him, but because we loved him that much and because You seemed satisfied we had taken good care of him during his brief stay on earth. You chose to accept him on a day when he was surrounded by so many of his loved ones, and You chose the peace and beauty of the night to welcome him back home. It was no coincidence, we know, that the stars were even more magnificent than ever that night....
Because of Your generosity in allowing us to care for Jeffrey, we learned not only about him and his special needs, but more about You, ourselves, and others. We have been reminded just how unique each and every one of us is and how blessed we all are to be part of Your plan. We also more fully appreciate Your own sacrifice to us so long ago.
And so we rejoice with You and thank You for sharing Jeffrey with us and for being with us every step of this incredible journey. We may not be able to hold Jeffrey in our arms now, but we shall hold him in our hearts forever and ever. You have enriched not only the lives of our family beyond comprehension, but also those of countless others who have been touched in some way by Your new angel. We are all richer because of it....
11-6-97
